Hope you are reading the letters
carefully and with clarity. Good marriages do not happen automatically.
Anything in life becomes excellent only when we work on it. If you want to get
the first rank in the entrance exams, you sweat and toil for it. If you want to
climb the ladder of success in your job, you work hard for it. The same is true
of marriage too. The more you work out your marriage the more blessed it will
be. Very often all learning, training and effort ends within a year of
marriage. Such marriages are sure to fail. As you go on, you must invest time,
thoughts, put aside your own priorities and affections, make commitments and
daily sacrifices and many more to have a good marriage. Above all, you must be
willing to give up your SELF. Marriage is the best arena where you can walk the
way of the cross…denying yourself and thinking of the good of the other. Here
you have ample opportunities, as a disciple of Jesus Christ, to become like the
master (Math. 10: 24,25).
Our God is a God of order. He has
laid down rules for the well-being of man on earth. He has laid down definite
principles for the well-being of families. The Bible is God’s manual for a
successful marriage. As a husband your must read and meditate on Ephesians
5:22-33, I Corinthians 7:1-7, I Peter 3:7, and I Tim 5:8 – These passages are
the most important ones in your role as head of the family.
In the home, the husband is the
leader or the head of the wife. The wife is to recognize his headship and be in
submission to him. The spirit of ‘Lording over’ (Math. 20:25) is contrary to
the spirit of Christian headship. Many men have misunderstood the concept of
headship in marriage. It is no wonder that many women hate male domination. The
Feminist movement is actually the result of oppressive male headship. Christian
leadership is servant leadership as exemplified by Christ. He said ‘the son of
man came to serve’ and he taught it to his disciples when he took the water and
washed their feet. A true leader leads by serving and a true follower submits
to such a kind of love. Though the husband is called to be the leader in
marriage, it is interesting that the commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 have nothing
to with leadership but everything to do with sacrifice.
In marriage, the husband is the
head in that he is held responsible for all the decisions made in the home.
This does not mean that the wife simply agrees to all that he says. He should
invite inputs from her, together they discuss and reach the best decision,
which is then accepted and honoured by both. If there is a disagreement, the
husband has to wait in prayer so that a consensus can be made about the matter.
If an immediate decision has to be made, then the husband must prayerfully make
the decision and the wife must submit, even if she has a different opinion
about it. The husband’s decision may be right of wrong. If it is wrong, the
wife must see to it that she does not goad over it and nag saying that hers was
right. If the problem issue is a moral matter then the scriptural principles
must not be violated in making the decision.
The husband is not a dictator;
neither is the wife a passive member, silently agreeing to all his ideas and
wishes. The husband has to lead in love, taking into consideration the
thoughts, needs, emotions and wellness of his wife. The Christian headship is a
combination of love and authority. Many men find it difficult to balance
authority and love. When the husband is not a loving leader, submission becomes
very difficult for the wife. Love your wife even when you do not feel like
loving her. Love your wife even when you feel she is not submitting to you. As
a leader, scripture exhorts you to be the head and love your wife as Christ
loved the church. The ‘love’ mentioned here is not a feeling. It is an action,
a command. Love is a deliberate commitment for the ultimate well being of the
object of love, which in marriage is, your wife.
A wife who is loved
wholeheartedly will be willing to submit to the leadership of her husband,
because she loves responsively. Women are great responders, as I have already
told you. If your love is not expressed to her in the right manner, she will
refuse to submit to you. When you notice her rebellion, you will find it
difficult to love her. This in turn will cause the wife to take no notice of
your headship at all. Things will get worse. This is a vicious cycle. God’s way
is the only solution. If both of you do your part in obedience to God,
irrespective of the response of the other, things will go well in your
marriage. The key to right headship and submission is to obey God
unconditionally. The husband loves his wife unconditionally and obeys God. The
wife submits unconditionally and obeys God – just because the word of God
exhorts them to. Even if your wife does not submit to you, you still lead in
love. The word of God does not ask husbands to force their wife’s to submit.
You just do your part well and God will convict her heart to do her part, if
she is one who has surrendered to His Lordship. I have heard some men say, “I
am the boss here, you just do as I say’. That is not the trait of a Christian
husband. The word ‘love’, is used six times in Ephesians 5:22-33. The husband
is to love and lead as Christ does. Your wife needs to grow and flourish under
your leadership. There is a higher authority who has delegated you to lead her
in love. You are answerable for all your deeds to the one who has appointed you
to be the leader. It is easy to get married but it is extremely difficult to
give up your selfish desires and ego and love your wife wholeheartedly.
You need to lead by your example
as seen in I Tim 4:12. An example in what you say; the way you live; the way
you love, in your faith and in purity. Christian women love to see their
husbands praying, studying the word and worshipping God with passion. They want
to see the same man in public platform and in the privacy of their homes. If
there is hypocrisy here, your leadership has no value to them. Your integrity is
a big question to her. You also need to lead the spiritual activities of the
home. The family altar is to be done under your leadership. Children born
should be able to understand that dad is a man of God. Lead in spiritual
discussions – the sermon you hear at church or an article you read or a message
you heard on your w ay to work etc. A spiritual life-check must be made by the
husband in the home. You are the prophet in your home, which means you are the
one to teach the ways of the Lord to those who are with you there. You are the
priest of the home, that is, you lift up your ‘holy’ hands before the Lord in
prayer and make known your needs before the throne of grace. This does not mean
the wife should not pray. It simply means taking the leadership in praying on
your family’s behalf rests with you. So many men shirk these duties of
spiritual leadership. Everyone wants to be the king in the home, see that they
rule. No doubt, God has placed you in the position of leadership but the kind
of leadership is the one shown by our Lord in John 13 - Leading by serving and
leading in love. Apart from the family altar with children, you must
establish a devotional time together, maybe once a week or once a month where
both of you will share the things you learnt in your private quiet times. Find
time to pray together every day, the two of you alone. It will enrich your
marriage in a way you can never imagine!
So Andrew, being the head of the
home is an awesome responsibility. You have to give away many of the things you
have been doing when you were a bachelor. The time you spend with your mobile
and hobbies have to go. You have to set limits to your working hours at office.
Alice should be able to know what kind of leader you are. Do not try to impose
your lists of do’s and don’ts on her. You show by example what is expected of
her. Love her and see how well she will respond to you. “Do unto her as you
would that she do unto you (Luke 6:31)”. Give her the most important place in
your life… more than your job, you leisure, your laptop etc. I will talk about
parasites in marriage in a later letter.
Somebody has said that marriage
is sharing your life with your best friend, enjoying the journey along the way
and arriving at every destination together, knowing more of each other and
feeling your never should be apart!
My prayer for you is: Dear Lord,
as Andrew is committing himself to marry Alice, I pray that you will enable him
to be the kind of leader who demonstrates your unconditional love. Help him to
lead sacrificially, not just to satisfy his ego but to be a true follower of
you. Enable his wife to grow and mature under his leadership. Give him the
grace to handle all the important issues that come with wisdom that you alone
can give. Amen.
