I have written to you, in the previous letter, about building your marriage and how to carry on with wisdom and understanding.
‘The Nobel prize in medicine and physiology for the 1981 was won by Dr. Roger Sperry. His study was on how the brain functions in male and female babies. Dr. Sperry discovered that between the 16th and the 26th week of gestation, boy babies have a chemical reaction in their brain that girl babies do not have. Two chemicals are released that slow down the development of the right side of the brain, which is the ‘caring’ side. Therefore, you will find most men say they care much for their wives but, in practice, they fail to demonstrate this. This right brain-left brain feature affects every phase of marriage. This sometimes makes a woman feel her partner is rejecting her and is insensitive to her feelings’. (I read this in Dr. John Hagee’s book – “What every man wants in a woman”).
Apart from all the differences between man and woman, the above one is cause for concern. The way the two of you think is different and often cause for conflicts in marriage. Much conflict arises because of lack of understanding. You may be saying the same thing but it ends up in a quarrel. This is because you have spoken your mind and your wife has spoken her feelings. Therefore, as a husband you need to take deliberate care to see what is intended in everything your wife has to say.
This letter is to tell you what you should when you face a problem. Many marriages are ending up in divorce because people do not know how to settle a dispute and resolve a conflict. I have already told you that a good marriage is not one in which everything goes well. Differences of opinion and small tiffs will come in, because man and women are not made alike. I have shared with you some of the basic differences. Just as there are gender differences, there are personality differences – some may be introverts, others extroverts, some choleric others melancholic. For one person the glass may seem half-empty while for the other the glass is half-full!
The two of you have walked into marriage with two sets of expectations. My advice is don’t expect too much. Great expectations will only bring in disappointment. Take life as it comes, one day at a time, knowing that the God whom you trust is able to carry you through and you cannot make it by yourself. Be positive about all things. There is no mountain too high that you cannot climb, without the help of the Lord and there is no valley too deep that can sink you in, when the Lord is on your side. Dependence on Him day to day will settle all maters however difficult they may seem. Be rest assured that you can do all things through Christ who can strengthen you (Phil 4:13).
The key to a good life lies in knowing that the only person you can change is your own self. The wife is asked to submit to the husband but the husband is not asked to make his wife submit to him. Some husbands go to the extreme of doing what they are not asked to do and this brings in conflict. You will be able to build a wonderful relationship if you see the bad in your own self and try to make a change. If you overlook your wife’s faults and love her unconditionally, then your life will sail through smoothly. A conflict is good in the sense that it shows you how difficult it is to love your wife and how much you need the grace of God to do it. You are commanded to love your wife and a command needs willful obedience. Try to see your spirit of disobedience every time you do not feel like loving her. You have the opportunity to change yourself by mortifying the deeds of your flesh.
Conflicts are a normal part of marriage. In fact if there is no conflict at all, it may mean that there is no real interaction taking place. A conflict does not have to be destructive. It can become the most constructive and growing part of a relationship. We have shared passionate moments of love when we have had to say ‘forgive me’ or ‘I forgive you’. So never waste a good conflict. Conflicts help you to understand your partner better. They enable you to recognize what it is that irritates her, what makes her angry and resentful etc. and what irritates you about her. It also gives insight into what can be done on your part to settle a dispute or set a wrong thing right.
A conflict brings out form you the sins hidden in your flesh which you need to overcome. When Cain got angry, God told him 'sin is at your doorstep and its desire is towards you and you must overcome it'. The deeds of the flesh, listed in Gal. 5, are present in every believer and they will continue to survive in each person to the extent to which he or she overcomes them. Hatred, anger, jealousy, malice, pride etc... all have to be overcome. One may ask why can’t God take away all my bad nature the moment I am saved. Well, He keeps it there so that we can trust in his grace and forgiveness and cleansing all through life and be always reminded that we are sons of Adam and no good things dwells within us. Also the redemption of our bodies is not yet done. It is reserved for a future day. But with salvation He has given us the power to overcome the old nature. We surely can live lives in which sin has no dominion over us (Rom. 6:14)!
Misunderstanding is a common reason for conflicts in marriage. The only way to settle this is speak out openly and frankly. Love believes all things (I Cor. 13). Trust your partner fully. Take his word for granted and believe she has spoken the absolute truth. This method should be carried out with misunderstandings with others in the extended family too. There will always be conflicts over relatives and friends which often spring from misunderstanding. I want to tell you, that there are more misunderstandings between us siblings after all these years of marriage, than when we had before we were married. Some of these are unnecessary misunderstandings, but difficult to resolve because of mistrust. Strong emotional attachment of your spouse to her family may also be the reason for this. Sometimes, even after you have shared what the truth really is, the misunderstanding may not be solved because the other party does not believe what you say. In such a case leave the matter for the Lord to settle. Do not retaliate the way the other person does. Try by all means to maintain peace in the situation (Rom 12:17, 18). As I have already told you, I firmly believe Rom 8:28, 29, is God's agenda for marriage. He makes all things work out for good and the ultimate good is to make us like His son.
Sometimes the conflict is because your wife has used words that were hurtful. For women, often their words and the use of their tongue are reason for strife. Women need to be careful in this matter, because we are more prone to sins of the tongue, the reason being we talk more. Someone has said that men talk at the rate of seven words per minute and women go at the speed of 70 per minute. Relationships in so many homes have become distorted and alienated because of one woman who would not guard her tongue. Learn to forgive your partner, if ever a conflict rises in this manner. Tell her when she is alone that she needs to be more careful with the use of her tongue. Be frank and open. If there is anything in your heart that has frustrated you, speak it out.
While giving felicitations to a couple, one friend of ours said that a good marriage happens when the wife is blind and the husband is deaf. He also added that he has had a fine marriage because for the past several years he has been a deaf husband. His wife was sitting right there. I don’t know if he got a good feedback when he got home!! Do not try to pick on every word she says. Do not take all her words seriously. When women are hurt they get vociferous and emotional. They do not speak their mind they speak their emotions. After they have spoken their hearts out, they will get quiet. When things have mellowed down for her, tell her you have been hurt by her words, yet you love her and bear her no grudge. The word ‘I love you still and I forgive you’, will heal every conflict.
One thing I must tell you, it is more difficult for the woman to forgive, than the man, because women have a long-term memory, as I have mentioned already. We somehow find it hard to thaw out the coldness that sets in. As a husband, you may not even be aware that she is hurt or that it is you who have hurt her. Husbands can do certain things that hurt their wives and go on as if nothing has happened without realizing that they has actually hurt their spouses. This is why it is important to spend time together, as I have already said. Don’t forget that men see only the bigger picture. He does not and cannot see the minor happenings around him. When he has something, in his mind, and he wants to achieve it on a particular day, all other things become less prominent to him. He may not take note of all the good things his wife is doing for him, which also becomes reason for her to sulk and get offended.
There can be conflicts over finances. At times, one person may be paying the house rent and the other may be taking care of the home needs. The kind of house you want to live in becomes a problem her. In marriage, it is better to have a single purse, even if the income of the wife is more than the husband’s. Handling finances is a very important matter in Scripture. Often we tend to compartmentalize the secular and the spiritual. As a Christian, the way you spend money, is also a matter for which you have to give account to the Lord. Remember that God owns everything and if we have something, the Lord has given it to us. He has also given us the health to do our work and make money. He is our provider. We have to be faithful stewards of all that He has given us. (I Cor. 4:2). Being faithful means knowing what the Master needs and doing it according to His will. Debt is a great issue in our society today. Loans are available for everything. This should not be a matter of conflict in your marriage. Prayerfully come to a agreement to the way you spend, save and give money. It is possible that one spouse is a spendthrift and the other is trying to save too much. To avoid conflict, make a realistic budget. Do not spend on unplanned items without consulting your spouse. Even if you giving for a ministry cause, your wife should know it. Prioritize basic needs. Wants are never ending. Be content with what you have. Remember, Godliness with contentment is great gain (I Timothy 6:6).
Conflicts can come over career choices. The jobs you take up may rob you of time and you may be away from home for a long time. This diminishes quality time together as a couple and weakens love. In addition, it opens the door to unhealthy relationships outside the walls of the home. My advice is …pursue a job or career that gives you sufficient time to take care of the needs of your wife and family. Take a job or career that gives you a free week-end, so that you can spend the whole time together making up for the time lost during the week.
There can be conflicts over sex. One spouse may show a lack of interest and fail to meet the others sexual needs. Sometimes on espouse may be over-demanding even when the other is tried or weak. Sometimes, this may be a result of something that has happened during the day… some unkind word, some lack of understanding on the husband’s part, etc. The consequent frustration will bring in resentment and strong temptation. The over-demanding person will be viewed as selfish and uncaring especially if the wife is not prepared for sex. Conflicting matters of the day have to be settled before going to bed at night. Is she is hurt, she cannot enjoy sex and as a result she will not give herself fully to you. The lack of physical intimacy will weaken the marriage bond. Sex takes only 5% of wake time but denial of it will cause 95% of the problem. Leaving it out of marriage can become a major problem. The husband should correct things if the fault is on his part. Selfish demands should stop. If there are physical problems, you will need to consult a doctor. Sex is as an important element in your bonding and you need to value it very much. Waste no time in settling the issues, which lead to conflict in this area.
Conflict can rise over issues with regard to children. We are living in a world that hates children. Many couples do not want to have children. They are seen as a burden and an unnecessary expense. Enjoy and live your life is the motto. As Christians, we know that children are a blessing from the Lord and blessed is the man who ahs his quiver full of them. Read Psalm 127. Children are God’s instruments to teach us valuable lessons on love, patience, gentleness, long-suffering, strictness and many others. Conflicts may arise on the disagreement on number of children one spouse wants. Sometimes this comes in the admonition and chastisement of children. Great conflicts have come in when the mother opposes the father in correction of children. You need to speak out matters concerning these things and prayerfully decide how many children you will have, in the will of the Lord, and how you will raise them up.
Scripture tell us ‘not to let the sun go down on our wrath’. This means that if you have a quarrel the matter has to be settled on that very same day. This is extremely necessary in conflicts that come up in marriage. Often it is the question of who will ask sorry first. Be the leader here too. Women find it very difficult to reconcile especially when we are hurt. We need to humble ourselves, pray and ask for grace to lay low. Take the attitude of Jesus in forgiveness. He took the initiative to forgive the wrong we did against Him. He did all that He had to do on His part to reconcile us to Himself. You too must do so. When you forgive the other person, you are letting yourself free form the bondage of anger, wrath and an unforgiving spirit. You get your joy back again! Do not let your emotions overrule your logic!
The next thing is to forget the conflict once it is settled. Women maintain a book of records in their brains, that’s how they are wired. Very few men keep track of the wrong things their spouses have done. (Well, there are exceptions to every rule, because I know of men who brood over the matter for a day and then mete it out with their wives with detailed explanations and judgments). Men think in bits and pieces while women create a chain of all the events in her thoughts. This attribute of a woman is good because they are multi-taskers and have to have a brain that works round the clock to run a home, but it is not good in matters, which have to be forgotten. So, once things are sorted out and settled, you must let go of all mistakes done and all negligence made on her part. Remember them no more. You must not say, ‘after all you are always like this’. If you are able to say ‘I love you in spite of all this’, then you are progressing on the road to forgetting the past. Old things should not haunt your mind and mess up your marriage. True love does not keep a record of wrongs. Read and meditate I Cor. 13 and see the qualities of love. Be mild with mistakes. We are all prone to make them.
Just one more thing that came to my mind just now….Once you have children there is greater possibility for irritability and bad moods to develop. With all the work-load around the house, your wife may become too stressed out and may want to let the steam out. Often she vents out on her husband. Do not do so in front of your children. If at any time you speak harshly to her when the kids are around, make your apology in front of them. Children get emotionally disturbed when they see their parents at war. They feel insecure and afraid. Confess your wrong to your partner and let your children know, they have nothing to fear and… that dad and mom are happy together. Children are a great reminder that we are still in the path of the sanctification process of our life. They enable you to become more like the Lord Jesus with all their tantrums and their troubles. They just let you know how it is so difficult to do all things without murmur or complaint and to do all things as unto the Lord. Much grace will be needed to keep the balance and live out the life of Jesus Christ. As I have mentioned more than once, this is part of God’s programme in Romans 8:28, 29 – God’s works all things to confirm us to the image of His son!!
Parental strife has made its toll on the young generation of today. The distorted families and divorced partners have made a wreck of the lives of their children. Addictions, drugs, behavioral disorders, killings, etc. are mostly a result of parents who could not get along together. Peace between partners is extremely essential for the well-being of partners and wholesome development of children in the home. If we who are called the children of God cannot forgive, who else can? As I have told you several times over, make every moment an opportunity to demonstrate the character of Christ. Paul reminds us to put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bear with one another and forgive one another if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you” (Col. 3:12, 13). It is only when there is a conflict, is there an opportunity to forgive like the Lord. When everything is alright where is the opportunity to demonstrate the forgiveness of Christ??
Sometimes your spouse may not be willing to forgive you. Even then do all that is in your part to maintain peace and harmony in your relationship. Love and serve her with utmost sincerity of heart. For the Lord is the one who rewards you. Paul tells us that whatever we do, we must do it heartily as unto the Lord, knowing that from the Lord we will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. But the one who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done and there is not partiality” (Col. 3:23, 24). Many men have changed their ways being influenced by their wives’ gentle, chaste and kind behaviour. I hope Alice is such a person.
Before I wind up this letter, let
show you the example of Christ. The greatest problem today is to find a role
model. I Peter 2:21 says Christ has left us a model to be followed. Going back
to I Peter 2: 21-25 – Let the example of Christ become part of your family
life.
2:22 - He did not sin. Keep from
sinning in the family. Avoid all kinds of sin. Be ye angry and sin not.
(Ephesians 4:26)
2:22 – No deceit in His mouth –
take care of the words spoken. Do not deceive one another in words or in
actions. (Mathew 12:36)
2:23 – He did not revile – No
shouting back or retaliating in marriage. Calm down and learn to be humble.
2:24 – He did not threaten – no threatening
in marriage, it will only lead to greater bitterness.
2:25 – Commit all things to the
one who judges righteously and all will be well.
What we do with our lives will
affect our generations too. We read in the Old Testament of the Lord visiting the
sins of the fathers on their generations. Proverbs 20:7 says – If we want our
posterity to be blessed, we must live righteous lives and be sincere in our
walk. Marital obligations will not suffice by just doing things well. They will
suffice only if it done as Christ did to His church and vice versa. This high
standard can be achieved only when we depend on the grace of God. The Lord
intended the world to see Him through the relationship of the husband and wife.
We should not misrepresent the relationship of Christ and the church.
My prayer for you is: Lord, help
your child grow as a result of the conflicts he may have to face in his life.
Give him grace to accept his partner the way she is and enable him to change
himself. Let his life be transformed by living with her so that all his rough
edges will be smoothened out. Let their marriage be one in which they are able
to rub against each other and feel more warmth in the sparks that are ignited.
Help them see their own failures in the light of the conflicts and grow in
understanding and love. Let their marriage be a great arena where the character
Jesus Christ is carved out in them. Amen.
