In this last letter, let me try to
recap and summarize what I have been trying to tell you.
Who does not want to have a good
marriage? A bride enters marriage looking forward to love and care. A groom
seeks in marriage to be respected and depended upon. What is it that makes a
marriage click? How can we make our marriages successful? Here’s what I have
learned from Scripture and experience.
To make the best of your marriage:
a) Acknowledge that your
partner is the best one in the whole wide world and is God’s perfect choice
for you. It was God who made Eve for Adam. She was the best one suited for him.
There is only one for one! He is the one who sets the lonely in families. There
may be many others who are more handsome, better looking than your spouse, but
remember it is not the externals that actually count in marriage. If you have
married in the will of the Lord, there is no one better you can ever find.
b) For a successful marriage you need
to have an intimate personal relationship with God. A personal
dependence and closeness to God is the most important and essential element in
marriage. He made you and He knows what is best for you. He instituted marriage
and He is the one who knows how you can make it successful. All that He has to
tell you is in His Holy Word – The Bible. This is God’s hand book for your
marriage. Read it, understand it and obey it. It gives you the best counsel to
make ‘heaven on earth’.
c) Love your partner unconditionally.
‘I love you’ is the sweetest phrase in marriage and say it as often as you can
to your partner. When you can look eye to eye and say those words, you can feel
love really flow through. There’s nothing sweeter than love. Biblical love is
unselfish. It is ‘agape’. It is a commitment for the ultimate welfare of the
person being loved. So love your partner even if you don’t feel like doing so
at times (I Corinthians 13).
d) Meet the other’s need and
your need will be met – It’s a chain reaction! The one who gives always gets in
return. Be a giver. Give your partner the best you can give. ‘Do unto
others as you would want them do unto you’. We all have our needs – mental,
physical and emotional. The Lord’s command is ‘let the husband render to his
wife the affection due to her and likewise also the wife to her husband (I
Corinthians 7:3).
e) Don’t stay apart for too long.
Neither job, nor study or ministry should keep you away from each other for too
long. The Bible permits the husband and wife to stay apart only for prayer. The
longest time spent in prayer is by our Lord himself and that was for forty
days. So decide how long you can stay apart. Don’t let Satan test your self
control. He is always ready to set traps to damage your family bond (I
Corinthians 7:5). If there is need to be away, keep in touch as often as
possible either through telephone, mobile or the internet. Thank God for those
modern communication gadgets and means!!
f) Maintain absolute purity in
marriage. Shun even the slightest extra-marital thought. The grass may seem
greener on the other side, but this is just a feeling. It really isn’t so. If
you go through the book of Proverbs you will see what God has to say about the
one who is unfaithful! God will not tolerate fornication or adultery (Hebrews 13:4).
A lustful look is as serious as the act of adultery itself!! (Mathew 5:28). Sin
has disastrous consequences however small it may be.
g) Accept one another as you are.
There is no perfect person and there is no perfect marriage. Everyone has his
or her weak and strong side. Marriage is built upon understanding the other
person. Appreciate the good. Speak it out aloud. Overlook the failures. Correct
the faults softly and in private - gently and with love. Apostle Peter says,
‘Husbands dwell with your wives with understanding, giving honour to her as to
the weaker vessel’ (I Peter 3:7).
h) Remember
always that you are not alike.
Just as there are physical differences between man and woman, there are
differences in thought pattern, emotional and mental make up. Then are
differences in upbringing, family backgrounds etc., etc. Psychologists say
there are at least 18,000 basic differences between a man and a woman. For
example men dwell on things that are ‘big’ while women think on things ‘small’.
While going on a journey, the man thinks of where to lodge, which route is
shorter and which is cheaper and so on. The woman is concerned about whether
good water will be available and what clothing should be carried, etc. Putting
both minds together makes the trip worthwhile.
i) A
good marriage is not one that is devoid of conflicts. When two
people, who have been brought up in entirely different circumstances, come
together and stay together, there’s definitely going to be many tastes that
differ. That which is pudding for one may be poison for the other. Where there
is rubbing there will be heat. Conflicts will bring in anger and remorse. The
word says: “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26). This
means the trouble should not last for more than 12 hours. Settle the dispute
before the sun goes down.
j) Two forgivers work out the best
marriage. Psychologists say that it is more difficult for the women to
forgive. Women may not agree to this, but the fact remains that we have
memories of what our husbands said and did 5, 10 or 15 years ago, those which
our husbands no longer can recall. Women meditate and build up a chain of
negatives which tend to bring in ill-feelings. Christ is our example. Forgive
as Christ did. Don’t hesitate to say “I forgive you” or ‘Please forgive me’. It
is the best glue in marriage. It works faster than the modern ‘magic glue’.
k) Take time to be together.
Talk out all issues and matters in the home. Tell each other about your likes
and dislikes. Encourage one another. Listen to each others’ fears and
apprehensions. Take some time to laugh and rejoice in the delight of being
together. Take a holiday just to spend time together. This is not just for
honeymooners. It is for oldies too!! A change from the routine will be
refreshing and will surely strengthen you marriage.
l) Last but most important of all – don’t
forget the family altar. Pray and depend upon the Lord everyday. Pray
together and individually. Without God’s help we cannot live out our marriage.
He is the source of all blessings. He is one who speaks to our hearts and keeps
us together. Nothing can separate you if you are always in contact with Him.
The closer you are to God, the closer will you be to one another.
Andrew, May God richly bless your union
with Alice.
I love you a lot and always will…
With love and
prayers,
Amma
