Marriage is a relationship that
takes hold of our whole being – the spirit, soul and body. As you develop your
relationship, the bond enhances from the spiritual to the soulish and to the physical
where you share life together in every way. Marriage is sealed or consummated
when the physical level takes place in the relationship. We call this the
sexual connection in marriage. I want to be frank and open to you in every way.
Therefore, before I go on any further I want to ask you a very important
question. Have you indulged in any form of sexual intimacy before? You may not
have done the physical act but it is possible to go into this visually through
the media and world of pornography that is so freely accessible today. I have
come to know that over 40% of those who call themselves believers are addicted
to pornography. I hope this is not true of you. If you have indulged in it even
in some small way, I ask you to repent, get out and keep away from every kind
of perversion that entices you in the wrong direction.
For men, the first experience of
sex is one to which they go back often and is always fresh in their memory. If
this has come to him in other ways – either though porn or wrong choice during
dating etc., there is going to be dissatisfaction in physical intimacy with his
real partner. Many marriages are in a mess because of pre-marital
relationships. A substitute stimulant was made available earlier and people are
not happy with the actual experience.
Sex was designed by God. When He
created Adam and Eve, He made them male and female and commanded them to be
fruitful and multiply. This of course would happen only through the intimate
physical intimacy of man and woman, which we call SEX. For many even in
Christendom, talking about sex is taboo. I am not ashamed to speak of it
because the Bible is so open about it. The book of Songs of Solomon is so
explicit about the romance, foreplay and sexual act between a couple looking
forward to their marriage. The Bible is frank and open on this matter – (Read
Proverbs 5:15-19; Songs of Solomon 7:6-12). The bride in the Songs of Solomon
is well informed on the sexual side of marriage – unfortunately nobody speaks
about this in the church. There is hardly any pre-marital counselling sessions
for young adults and all the information they get regarding this sacred union
is from the secular media. Secular philosophy on sex matters is often ungodly
and dangerously distorted, presenting sex as a unhealthy, unholy and some even
express disgust and hatred to it.
Sex in marriage is God-ordained.
It helps fulfil God’s purposes and keeps us from its misuse. Reproduction is
not the only purpose for sex. I know of some people who have abstained from
this intimate union, after they had the desired number of kids. Sexual bonding
in marriage goes much beyond the need for reproduction. It is a means of
sharing love and experiencing the satisfaction and enjoyment that God has kept
within marriage. I Corinthians 7:1-5, exhorts married couples to engage
in sex on a regular basis, without reference to reproduction. The Book of Songs
of Solomon hardly mentions reproduction although it talks so much of sexual
love. In the Garden of Eden, man and woman were both naked – showing that this
relationship is one of openness, love and oneness. Every part of the body is a
source of excitement and thrill for those who are in love.
For the husband the sex drive
comes instantly just by seeing the naked body of his wife. The hormone testosterone
(which controls sex drive, sperm production etc), is like a bomb within his
being and is the key component for the sexual drive of men. Healthy males have
20 times the level of this hormone when compared to females of the same age. It
is easy for man to get into the act and finish it in no time. Andrew, you must
know that this is not so with women. Your wife cannot get into the act as
quickly as you do. You must show her expressions of love and care; she must be
fondled, kissed and embraced with intimacy. You must be open and vocal as you
enjoy your mates sweetness and loveliness through seeing and tasting her
physical beauty - (Songs of Solomon 1; 2; 2:6; 4:3,11; 7;1,6,8). All this is to
get her roused to partake in the act of physical union. This is called foreplay
(the phase before the actual sexual union or intercourse). It is an extended
time of expressing or experiencing love before intercourse. The foreplay
follows a normal progression – kissing to fondling to petting when intimate
parts like breasts and genitals are handled giving pleasure. These are all
right on a marriage bed. Your wife’s body is a feast of delight to your whole
being as she lovingly offers it to you for enjoyment. Finally, the supreme
ecstasy of becoming one through the physical act is experienced. It is the
sweet one-flesh union of bodies and is an act of intoxicating fusion and
inexplicable pleasure. At the climax, there is a momentary arrest of the
conscious mind making it a soul union of the two of you. God’s program of
‘becoming one’ is so wonderful and will bring supreme joy to you.
As a leader, Andrew, you are the
one to initiate the foreplay for this act. Always remember that it is more your
need than it is hers. (About 4 ml of seminal fluid is secreted every day and
when the testis is filled at 10ml, it needs to get emptied). As I have already
told you in the differences, if you want your wife to participate fully in this
act, all the things you do to her and with her during the day has to be taken
care of. No woman will want to have sex with a man who does not care or take
notice of her; with a man who is harsh and behaves rudely with her.
Sex and spirituality are not
conflicting in god’s sight. It is the most fulfilling and satisfying aspect of
a marriage relationship. Abstinence is permitted only for short periods and for
special purposes with mutual consent – I Corinthians 7:2,5. Withholding from
sex makes one vulnerable to sexual temptations. Hebrews 13:4 – The marriage bed
should be undefiled. Be content with her and seek no other.
Hope I have made myself clear.
May the Lord help you to enjoy the great bond He has given for the pleasure and
bonding of marriage. It is good if you can get a book on the act of marriage.
This will give you help in more detail. One of the books I would recommend is
‘The Act of marriage’ by Tim and Beverly La Haye. In addition, I would like to
recommend ‘Answers to your marriage’ by Bruce and Carol Britten. I have written
enough on the matter I think. The rest you can read and later on experience in
your marriage.
My prayer for you is: Lord,
prepare Andrew to make the best of this great act you have given to mankind.
Bless their life together. Help them to share their love on an undefiled bed
always, and glorify you always thanking you for their union. Amen
Amma
