Good marriages are not devoid of
trouble. The two of you have been brought up in different homes; cultures are
different; our views and opinions on various issues are not the same, etc.
Moreover as children of Adam we all have our own ‘negative’ traits. Everyone
desires to lead a happy and good family life. There are several factors that
influence family dynamics. Some of them are the result of the nature of
parental relationships, which we have seen; their psychological and mental
state; some are due to the personalities of other family members; influence of
friends, media etc and above all our own selfish motives can ultimately make us
behave the way we do. In this letter, we will look at a few love busters
(habits and mannerisms that make your spouse unhappy) and marriage builders.
Marriage is like a garden. Keeping the garden in good condition is a round the
year job. We need to cultivate it, care for it, water it, fertilize it, weed it
out and look out for parasites and bugs that may come. A gardener’s work never
ends. So also, it is with marriage.
We tend to behave so well in
public at our places of work, in church and with others who are dear to us.
When it comes to the home and especially with our spouses the tone of our voice
and nature of our speech and body language, changes drastically. As men, we you
will always feel you are in the place of authority and everyone should obey
you. The love you have for each other is directly affected by the way you
behave with each other. You either motivate or discourage your partner by your
talk, attitude and mannerism. You are making love bank deposits whenever
you do something that makes your spouse happy or doing a love bank withdrawal when
you do something that makes her unhappy. Unless you protect each other from
destructive instincts and habits, you will hurt each other so much that your
love bank accounts will soon run empty and you will go into debt – you will
begin to hate each other.
Love busters are those that cause
love-bank withdrawals. The most common love busters in marriage fall
into six categories. They are selfish demands, disrespectful
judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent behaviour and annoying
habits. The first three are instinctive, meaning they come naturally and follow
a natural sequence of action. The next three are choices, which eventually
become habits. Let’s look at them one by one:-
Selfish demands: In the early days of marriage, everything you want your
spouse to do will be made known by requests. You will use kind words with
adages like please, can you do it for me, will you help me etc. As days go by,
the kind words and adages will fall off and you will begin to make demands like
- do it at once, I don’t care how you feel just get it done, get ready fast,
don’t be late etc. The husband expects the wife to work like a machine while
she finds him lazing around and reading the newspaper or watching the TV or
mobile. She will turn off. This will not work. The more you becoming demanding
the more the spouse will tend to not do it.
This leads to the second stage,
which is the love buster called - disrespectful judgments. When the
work is not finished on time, the husband will get annoyed and say why are getting
so slow, can’t you do it faster; Are you day dreaming in the kitchen; If you
had any sense you would not be so lazy; you do not know the value of time
etc. All kinds of judgmental words will be used. Some will even go to the
extent of saying I did not want to marry you. I did not like you. I married out
of compulsion and so I cannot tolerate your behaviour. These are all very
disrespectful vocabulary and will deprive you love bank of its accounts.
The third love buster will follow
– Angry outbursts. What was so long boiling within will begin
to come out loudly. You are not able to achieve what you want by demanding or
by disrespectful judgments so you try to get it done by shouting at your
partner. You think you can instil fear in her and make her obey you. ‘I’ll see
that you do it and obey me; you will suffer the consequences of your
disobedience; you are the cause of all the trouble in my life etc’.
You must remember that you don’t
do things for your spouse because of these demands, judgmental attitudes and
anger. Learn to be courteous and well-mannered. Do things for your spouse out
of care and concern for her. Love busters will never get you what you need; you
will destroy the love she has for you and vice versa.
The next three love busters are
habitual. The fourth one is dishonesty. This is one, which causes
massive love bank loss when it is discovered. When you are not telling the
truth about negative or hurt feelings; when you tell lies about your
whereabouts, your job; when you are unfaithful in your dealings with your
spouse and in your relationship with people of the opposite sex, you deplete
your love bank in a big way. Trust is damaged and everything in marriage is
thereby ruined when your dealings with your spouse is masked by putting up a false
front. Be honest – that’s the only way for a good marriage.
The fifth one is independent behaviour. Here the feelings and interests of the spouse are totally ignored. It
is the way ‘if you want to stay with me just do as I say; If you can’t you are
free to leave’ mentality. This comes in when you make decisions as if your
spouse doesn’t seem to exist; when her opinions are not taken into
consideration; when you carry on, not bothering whether what you have done has
hurt her or not; when finances are spent on your own matters of interest
without consulting the other; when you go wherever you want to go but your
spouse has no need to know where you are and what you are up to…you are taking
an independent behaviour stand. In all things, you need to follow the joint
agreement policy. This will keep your love bank full all the time.
The sixth love buster is annoying behaviour. We all have it. There will always be mannerisms that we
dislike in our partner. Perhaps we may not be aware that we are annoying the
other person. I may be heaping up soiled clothes in a corner instead of placing
it in the laundry basket is just one example. As you go on you will find many
things annoying to one another. Take care to point them out respectfully, so
that the other person can make changes. You may be a good person to everyone
outside but your spouse is one who sees you every day just as you are. So if
you want to stay in love keep away from all habits that are annoying to the
other.
Replace love buster with love
builders. Recognize the sinful nature of your own flesh and grow in love and
empathy toward the other. Introduce into your life the language of love. There
are primarily five languages of love.
The first is Words of
affirmation. Speak encouraging words even when your spouse has done
something wrong. Inspire courage to do better next time. Give value for the
partner’s desires rather instead of forcing down you ideas on her. More than a
one-line solution, women want their husbands to listen to their feelings.
Second love language is spending
time together. Give quality time for your partner. Have eye to eye contact
while talking to her. Share even the smallest matter to the biggest one. 60% of
illnesses are psychosomatic disorders of the mind, caused by the feeling of
loneliness. It is possible to live in the same house and have no intimate
communication, except the official administrative kind… what bills have to be
paid and what has to bought etc. Women want more than this. A few minutes of
sitting together and just listening to each other will do wonder for her and
will do wonders in your marriage. Look at each other and talk about your
experiences, thoughts, feelings, desires etc., in the friendliest way putting
your arm around her or holding hands. This should not be so only in the early
days of marriage. I should be the normal routine all through to keep your
marriage fresh and alive.
The third love language is: Be
generous with gifts. Gifts are great symbols of love. Buy something
for your wife on the way back from office. It may be just an egg-puff or a
cup cake. This will give her the feeling that you have thinking of her and will
make her day brighter. Gifting yourself when your spouse needs you – best in
moments of crisis is a great boost to her morale. Comforting her with love and
care especially when in pain or sorrow is an act of love, which is most
important to her. Be generous in showing love to her.
The fourth love language is acts
of service. This is a great marriage builder and love tank filler.
Demands stop the flow while requests give direction and make room for love.
Criticism can be used to hear your spouses’ deepest needs and emotions. If you
feel you wife is nagging you need to look into your life and set things right.
Try to do all the help you can when you are at home. If she is a working person
she will be as equally tired as you are after a busy day’s work. Solomon the
wisest of men says ‘Two are better than one because they have a good reward of
their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up the other’ (Ecclesiastes
4:9,10). What he intends to say is that one supports the other in every way for
good! Try to serve her right form washing the dishes, to making the bed and
folding the clothes. Do not try to bring in stereotypes of what your parents have
done. Domestic support is a great love builder and fills the love tank of your
partner.
The fifth love language is physical
touch. When a wife says ‘I miss you’ or ‘I long for your embrace, come home
soon’, she does not mean she wants to have sex with you although when you hear
it your testosterone meter explodes and all you can think of is sex. She simply
wants you to show her affection. Women desire non-sexual touch…Just to hold
hands or be given a hug; coming to the kitchen while she is cooking and putting
your arms around her; appreciating what she’s doing; giving her a massage
on the back and a pat on the shoulder… all these go a long way in building your
marriage. Express your love to her in little ways and all the ways you can.
Choose to show acts of love to her so that you can always be the Number
One person in her life.
My prayer for
you: Dear Lord, the road ahead is not easy. We are living in this sinful
flesh, which is selfish and wants our own way. Forgive us Lord. Help my
son Andrew to overcome his flesh and surrender fully to your Lordship. Enable
him to build a marriage in which his and Alice’s love tanks are always full.
Let their accounts never drain out. Give them a fruitful and blessed life
together living with understanding and wisdom. Amen
