My dear Andrew,
The role of a husband is a responsibility, which is to be carried out with great care and wisdom. There are many differences between man and woman. They are much more than the mere physical. The physical is easily identified but there are other differences, which you will soon come to know and for which you need the grace of God to perceive in the right manner.
‘The Nobel prize in medicine and physiology for the 1981 was won by Dr. Roger Sperry. His study was on how the brain functions in male and female babies. Dr. Sperry discovered that between the 16th and the 26th week of gestation, boy babies have a chemical reaction in their brain that girl babies do not have. Two chemicals are released that slow down the development of the right side of the brain, which is the ‘caring’ side. Therefore your will find most men say they care much for their wives but in practice they fail to demonstrate this. This right brain-left brain feature affects every phase of marriage. This sometimes makes a woman feel her partner is rejecting her and is insensitive to her feelings’. (From Dr. John Hagee’s book – “What every man wants in a woman”).
There are emotional differences, psychological and biological differences between the sexes. These differences all add into the way each one thinks, reacts, behaves and responds to situations that come their way. The differences are complementary not opposing. These differences are also inherent – they have not out of social, economic or cultural conditioning. I will list a few of them now. Someone has said ‘Women’s faults are too many. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do!!”
Men are most concerned about their significance. They have an ego that wants them always to be the leader and have the last word to say. This ego is very fragile and springs from the desire to be recognized. If their position of leadership in the home is not acknowledged the man becomes angry, frustrated and he tries to eventually take the role of a dictator.
Women are concerned about
security. She is worried about her family ties, her roots and whether she
will be accepted in the new place etc. She will do all she can to keep the
bonds alive and unbroken. Women are wired to seek protection and are attracted
to the one who can provide this.
A man associates his self worth to his work. The recognition he receives from his colleagues and his boss, the promotions and honors he gets are of prime importance to him. Man seeks to be admired. He loves to hear His wife tell Him how much he has made her life better.
A woman on the other hand
associates her self- worth to her value as a person. How she is inevitable
where she is. Her character and good remarks others make about her is important
to her. She needs appreciation. She loves to hear her husband tell her how much
he values her and without her, his life would be a mess.
Men seek to go about as if they never have any problem. They are less open about personal problems. They prefer to solve them alone without talking about them. Asking for help is a struggle for them In that way men are more independent than women are.
Women are more open about
their problems and are ready to seek help. Women feel
distressed if they do not share their problems with others – their friends or
partners- even if they cannot provide solutions. This often becomes a point of
conflict where a woman tells her man about a problem with the intention of
sharing her heart out and she only gets a single line answer in reply (By which
men feel they have given a solution to her problem).
In marriage, sex is top priority for men. The area within the brain responsible for sexual desire is much larger in men than in women. As a result, men think more often about sex than women. They can easily get attracted to a woman just because she looks ‘hot’.
Although women know that sex is important in man-woman
relationships, she is not ready to have sex just by sight. Sex to a
woman is an act of love with emotional feelings and verbal endearments
attached to it. This is not her top priority.
Men take decisions logically. They think about it and rationally decide to do or not to do. Women make decisions based on feelings and emotions. They dwell upon whether it will be good, whether it will hurt another etc. Men speak logic while women speak emotions.
Men are more aggressive in general. If they think there is an opponent they will go all the way to fight and win, Women try to settle the problem by avoiding the combat. They seek more amicable ways to keep peace within her quarters.
Men take a ‘fight or flight’ approach to dealing with stress. Women release their stress by talking it out. They create groups around them and talk about their trouble in the larger network of social groups or family or friends.
Men are emotionally stable. Women can have more ups and downs. The emotional instability of women has a biological side to it. During her periodic cycle, there will be days when hormone activity goes high and days when hormone activity is low. The hormonal differences in her body will create a certain amount of stress for her. These days she may be more emotional than on others. At times she many react outwardly and be open while on other days she will not speak at all.
Men are more direct in achieving their goals. I they want something they will ask for it. Women are more indirect in their approach. Is there is a problem she is facing although her face reveals it she will say there is no problem when confronted. The real issue will come out only after much coaxing and assurance.
Men prefer to take leadership. They love to take initiatives. They are more prone to taking risks and are adventurous. Women are great responders. They have ‘follower’ qualities. Since security is of importance to them and they hate taking risks. Women feel at ease in familiar surroundings. If something goes wrong, the man prefers to put the blame on others, while the women begin to ask ‘why has this happened? Is it my fault? Etc.
men are not so person oriented in their activities. For E.g. They eat food just because they are hungry and they love to eat. It has nothing to do with who cooked it. Most men have little or no attachment to the place they live in. They are least bothered if it is tidy or well kept. For a woman the house is an extension of her personality. She wants everything to be I order, spic and span and beautiful. Her activities are more people oriented, in a way more superior to that of men in this aspect. She cooks well out of love for those who will eat the food. She wants all who come in to feel at home and appreciate her sense of beauty.
Men are interested in the large picture. The big things are important to them. Women give attention to details. For example if the husband is back home after visiting a couple who has just had a baby, he will only know that they had a baby. Very often, he will not be able to tell you if the baby is a boy or girl!; but if the wife is the one who visited, she will know if the baby was a boy or a girl and will know all the details as to when it was born, what it’s weight was, whether it was C-section or a normal birth, etc. Men recall houses by their numbers or names while women recall houses and locations by surrounding details.
The brains of men have more ‘grey matter’ areas, approximately 7 times more than women. These appear in specific blots in the brain and are the centres of information and action processing. This translates into a tunnel vision when they are doing something. Once they are deeply engaged in a task or game, they may not demonstrate much sensitivity to the surroundings or to people around. A woman’s brain contains more white matter, about 10 times more than men. The processing centres are all over and interconnected. This is why girls tend to more or make transition from one task to the other more easily than men. Also, this is why females are great multi-taskers, while men excel in high task focused projects. Women use both right and left hemispheres of the brain and therefore it is easier to transfer data between the left and right hemispheres. Connections for men are within the separate hemispheres. The left side of the brain is for logical thinking and the right side of the brain is for thinking that is more intuitive. So, if there is a task that involves both of these things, women seem to be hard wired to do those better.
The female brain will often ruminate on and revisit emotional memories, because they have far more natural blood flow throughout the brain at any moment and higher blood flow in the concentration part of the brain. Men need to take note of this. Any bad word said, any hurtful behaviour, any words of encouragement and motivation etc, etc, will be stored in there never to be erased from a woman’s mind. Men tend to briefly reflect on an emotive memory. He analyses it and moves on to the next task. He may even change course and do something that is totally unrelated to feelings. Those who watch him may think men avoid feelings and move to problem solving too quickly. Women have a larger human memory centre or ‘hippocampus’. As a result, they absorb more information than males do. Women sense a lot more of what is going around them throughout the day and they retain the information more than men do.
Men have short term memories. They have separate compartments for each aspect in life. What is in one compartment doesn’t not jump into the other. Office is in one, wife in another, children in the next, food in one, sex in another, friends in one, family in another and so on. Women on the other hand have long- term memories. They never seem to forget. This is because they are wired differently. Daily matters of life form a continuous chain. The mental activity of man can be likened to a parallel electrical connection where each one has a separate on and off switch. That of a woman is like a series connection. One switch gets it all turned on and puts it all off. One negative comment about a dosa you ate in the morning is enough to take its toll when you come to bed at night. Her mind takes over her body and she cannot have sex with you until her hurt is gone. You have just spoken a word and just as information but to the woman you a spoke out your feelings. Remember every word spoken to your wife has to be seasoned with salt and filled with grace (Eph. 4:29), (Col.4:6).
A woman’s brain has verbal centres on both sides of the brain; Males have verbal centres only on the left side of the brain. This is why women use more words than men, when discussing an issue or describing an incident, story etc. This is also, why women are known to be more talkative than men are.
There are many more differences but I’ll stop here. My advice to you is, accept Alice as she is. Do not try to change her. Of course, if she does something wrong you can lovingly correct her. Understanding your differences will go a long way to create peace and harmony in your home. One of the major sources of friction is this lack of understanding, where the husband wants the wife to think and behave like him. This will not happen. I am sure you do not want another man as your life-partner. God created her as a woman and you must learn to appreciate her differences and love her wholeheartedly knowing that these differences were made to fulfil divine purposes in her life and yours.
My prayer for you: Dear Lord, help Andrew to study Alice well. Help him to appreciate her differences and accept her as she is for the well-being for the new home they will build. Give him the needed grace to love her intimately in spite of all the negatives he may see in her. Amen.
Amma
